Yesterday I was pescetarian and today I was vegetarian. And I feel like complete shit.
Today didn’t start out vegan, but I didn’t have time to make a smoothie and couldn’t fathom more oatmeal. I needed coffee so I ended up driving away from Starbucks with a drink and a bagel and cream cheese (does anyone eat a bagel without cream cheese? If so, hit me up). I’m always still amazed at/proud of myself for not getting a bacon, egg + cheese sandwich when I’m here that I give myself props. Always.
You’ll see that I can typically find a way to praise myself, so I did once again at lunch when I AVOIDED FREE CHICK-FIL-A and ate poptarts instead. Poptarts. For lunch. As you can imagine, this made me feel shitty – a comedown from the earlier praise I gave myself and also my organs were shrinking from lack of nutrients. The obvious next step was to eat a cookie. But I had no choice – someone brought in free Tiff’s Treats and I’m pretty sure God smites you if you turn down free Tiff’s Treats. So I ate one. And continued to feel deliriously shitty.
So what do I eat next to help turn this shitty feeling around? Cheeetos. Of course. “But they’re baked!” I tell myself, followed by more praise. I now feel worse and I’m also spiraling. Now I’m sitting at work, somehow doing my job but barely holding on, when my coworker rounds up a small group to get more cookies. I’m very much a follower, so I happily oblige.
(The actual situation:
Coworker: wanna go get another cookie?
I ended up getting a brownie – the one thing in this world better than their cookies – and all of a sudden there isn’t enough water in the world to quench my thirst. And I’m shaking. And I’m somehow already having a sugar crash even though I got gypped out of the sugar high??
I crawl to the end of the work day and it’s finally dinner time. Real food, vegetables, fruit. Hell, even bread at this point will suffice. But NOPE. Boyfriend and I end up going to Chuys, land of cheese. And margaritas. I thought I was doing so well ordering a Chuychanga with veggies instead of chicken.
But our waitress decides to spring it on me that their QUESO ISN’T VEGETARIAN. It’s made with chicken stock. WHAT THE HELL, MAN. So my very good (and praise-filled) sugar-ridden-but-vegetarian day was ALL A LIE. AND NOW I’M ALL YELLY ABOUT IT. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE.
And I realized why I’m trying to be vegan and not just vegetarian. Every day of my vegetarian life would be just like this one: full of sugar + cheese and devoid of any nutrients. I wanna be happy but I also don’t wanna die over a damn spinach leaf.
Tomorrow I plan to grocery shop, eat vegan and turn my life around. Easy enough.